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8.21.2014

A Heart That Won't Stop Breaking

I wrote this post a few weeks ago but struggled with whether or not I wanted to share it.  Life and love are not always happy and pretty.  I pride myself on this blog being a true and honest reflection of my life.  So ultimately, I've decided to share this with you all.  This is probably the most raw post I've ever shared.  This community is amazing in its ability to support and encourage.  If these words resonate with you, I hope you know that you are not alone.  I hope you know that its ok to be sad and its ok to grieve.

What do you do when your heart won't stop breaking?

It's been over a month. Half the time I feel numb, the other half I just feel sad and defeated.  It still feels unreal, like this is some horrible nightmare I'm going to eventually wake up from. Except I never wake up.

I feel broken. I am broken.  How do you put the pieces back together?

Part of me wants to feel better, the other part of me wants to stay sad forever; at least I still feel connected to him this way. 

I've gotten my heart broken many times before, or at least I thought I had. This feeling is incomparable to anything I thought was heartbreak before. Even when my engagement ended.  This is infinitely worse. 

When my engagement ended, it sucked. But at least part of me (a large part of me) knew that relationship really wasn't meant to be. At least I had a whole arsenal of "bad" moments to look back on and realize that there were key characteristics of each of us that weren't compatible. 

This time, I almost wish he had made some asshole move that I could think about and try to convince myself that it wouldn't actually work.  But I can't think of anything.  Even when I made the horrible mistake of telling him he was acting like an asshole, even then he really wasn't; it was me that was being the asshole.  I'm sure he has a whole arsenal of "bad" things to remember about me.

I've never known someone with whom I can just be so completely.  Never has someone become so deeply intertwined in my heart and in my soul. I'm not sure that can ever be undone.

I was so worried that I would lose such a once in a lifetime love that I ended up losing it as a result.  I tried to hold on so tightly that I squeezed the life right out of it.  Oh how differently I would do things if I could have a do-over.  At least I learned something right?  That's the point, isn't it?  Well, I'm going to keep telling myself that anyways.

I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to feel better. And each day that passes, I lose a little more hope that my heart will ever heal.

But, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and take each day one day at a time.  I know that eventually things will fall into place.  Until then, I'll just be over here with my little broken heart and some ice cream.

17 comments:

  1. Oh I'm so sorry Kristyn! Heartbreaks are really the worst! I don't know what to say, but I agree with you that only time will help. xoxo

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  2. Oh, I am sending infinite cyber hugs your way! I find myself reflected in this post soooooo much. As cliché as it is, time does make it better. Time and a LOT of icecream/cookies/chocolate ;)

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  3. If you wrote this a few weeks ago does that mean you're feeling maybe just a teeny tiny bit better than you were then? I hope so! Every relationship deserves a mourning period. Just remember the most important relationship is the on you have with yourself! Take care of yourself!

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  4. my heart goes out to you!!! It can take any amount of time to heal from a relationship turned bad, I'll be thinking about you!

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  5. I'm so sorry! It sucks! I am sending you a big hug!

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  6. Hugs and ice cream girl! Hope your heart mends faster than you think.

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  7. I am so sorry that your heart is so broken. And I am so proud of you for sharing to raw emotions. I want you to know that it's OK to be sad and eat as much ice cream as you want. Grief is such a funny thing, and there is no time frame in which you have to feel better. So take as long as you need. Sounds like you have the right idea taking it one day at a time. Some days I'm sure are better than others, but no day has been easy lately. That's OK! It sounds like you have been through heartbreak before, and as much as that sucks, I'm sure you learned a lot about yourself and love and loss and relationships. And yes, I'm sure you will learn something from this relationship as well. You don't have to know what that is right now. It also sounds like you're facing some "what ifs," which is normal. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I believe things have a way of working out how they are supposed to, even if we don't know why. Again, please take all the time you need to be sad, don't be too hard on yourself and find something good in each day to help you keep moving forward. Even if its really small - like finding a new favorite ice cream flavor ;) xoxo

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  8. (( HUG )) Not fun at ALL and I wish I could somehow make this part go faster for you. It's the thing you don't want to hear in this situation but I'm gonna say it anyway because even though it's annoying, it's true- TIME heals all wounds. (And wine and good, good girl friends.) XO. Sending you lots of love.

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  9. You'll get through it in time, which you already know, and chances are you'll meet someone else someday who you love completely in a whole different way. And you will always, always have all of the memories and the ways that you grew and changed as a person. You'll be okay, and maybe someday it will become clear to you why it never could have worked out anyways. In the meantime, go buy another pint of ice cream!

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  10. That sucks.

    Hoping you've been healing over the past few weeks. You'll get stronger every day. The only thing that helps is time. and then one day you'll meet someone new and he will be "the one" and you'll laugh at yourself for thinking this one was "the one."

    xoxo

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  11. I am so sorry you are going through this. I was going through this a few months ago. Just keep yourself surrounded by people who love you and keep you busy! It gets easier! But just take care of yourself. <3

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  12. I am so sorry. I realize that you have probably gotten the cliche "there are other fish in the sea" and "you're meant for someone better" many times now, so I will skip all that and just give a **hug**.

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  13. Heartbreak is never fun, especially when it feels like the end of everything that you are. The only piece of advice I could offer you, is to try and focus on the good things still in your life. It must seem like the end of the world, but you have to remember that it's not. Keep your head up. *Internet hug*

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