The anxiety is overwhelming. It feels like the life is literally being sucked out of me and I can feel the pressure over every inch of my body. The worst is in my chest. It feels like my soul is being crushed; which is funny, because that is exactly what anxiety is, it is soul crushing. The worry is physically painful, and completely irrational. Until you've been there, you really can't understand how the anxiety, worry, and pain can co-exist with knowing it is all irrational and not being able to do anything about it.
I try to breathe but the pressure is so intense. It's hard to do anything, to think about anything else. I try to distract myself but the thoughts are all consuming. Yet, life exists outside of my anxiety and life must go on. The need to hide this from everyone else is almost as terrible and trying to do so just makes the feelings more intense. I sit at my desk pretending that everything is ok. Those around me go on with their day, oblivious to the pain flowing through my veins.
I try so hard to cope. I try to rely on my faith. I try to pray, to trust. But even the strongest faith isn't enough. This fact makes me feel like less of a Christian. Why isn't my faith enough? I pray for healing, for peace. More often than not it doesn't come. I don't understand. Even some understanding would bring a little peace.
Eventually the feelings bubble over and those around me have to take the brunt of my feelings. I say things that hurt those I love and, in doing so, hurt myself. As much as I wish I had a choice whether I feel these things, I don't. However my loved ones do. And they can choose to leave. Sometimes they do and the pain my heart feels is unlike even the pain the anxiety causes. So many ruined relationships, all my fault.
I know that I can't do it alone. Those who have weathered the storm help just by still being around. Professionals help too. But their help pushes me to the depths of my emotions. Its hard to feel better. And it's easy to give up. But I know I can't. Sometimes I need the anxiety to remind me. I just hope I don't ruin another relationship in the process of remembering how to cope. Maybe one day, I'll find the one who will love me enough to stick around through the hard times, long enough to experience how truly beautiful the after can be.